I miss kissing her head.

Sorrow just simply strikes. I wonder, how come I will still be homesick terribly even I have stayed away from home for more than 2 years...... Useless shiett. And this time is getting serious because I still hard to adapt even it's second week after my classes started. Sigh. Uncurable sickness.

Human is greedy, ask for more and never ending. Human never appreciate the good things happen or exist around them till they lost it. It's just human nature, isn't it?

Memory flashed back to the time where my granny stayed with us while I was still in primary school. She always sat there still watching tv with me after I back from school. I'm not so close with her as my Hakka dialect is not as fluent as my elder sister. My broken dialect. >.<

子欲养而亲不在.

Everyone live and die. So as you and me. But I just miss her so badly. She was so old and weak, as she need to have specialist and nurses to take care of her routine life and daily activity. I can't recall the actual date she was admitted to the nursing home. But the memory is fresh in my mind where I always go visit her with my mom and family whenever I was in Kuching. I talked to her, whispered beside her ears, padded on her head, smelled and kissed her.

I felt sorry that I couldn't be with her when she closed her eyes.... The sin in me is killing me. Now. Can I kiss her for the last? The guilt in me.....I cant bear. I wish to hug my mom to give her strength and support, but I was not there. I WAS NOT. Sometimes distance really kills, isn't it? It's missing season. It's missing season. Missing season.

It's all about belief. I believe granny is happy up there, meeting with her loved ones above. Everything has two sides, everyone has two faces. Even the world, is beautiful yet cruel. God sent her to us but took her away. HE took her away. To live a better life above with HIM. I pray for her happiness. I pray for family happiness.

Left half year in my uni life, I appreciate the friends who come into my life, who give me happiness and support me all these years. They help me to cope with my homesickness indeed. =) They are great persons in my life. I love them.

不要哭.

爸爸妈妈我爱你 ^^

今天想用华语写部落格. 我的华语不是很好, 如果写得不是很好的话, 你们看过就算啦. 哈哈. 最近听了一首华语歌, 我觉得很熟悉. 熟悉不在于它不是一首新歌, 是在于歌词清楚叙述某人对世界的看法与感觉. 也许那某人是我自己? =)) 华语歌其实我不是很常听可是最近都常重复同一首, 看我几时觉得对它厌烦吧,哈哈.

当生存是一个规则而不是选择时, 我们应该要开心还是无动于衷的过呢? 我想我是后者, 当我远离家人时. 笑,是我穿的保护色. 其实有意义吗叻? 生存不为什么而是为自己? 有没有问过人其实要不要生存? 没有. 原来人是没有选择的, 可以酱讲吗? 还是人是有选择的, 有勇气跨出那一步就可以掌握自己要怎么生活? 人生真无奈. 我想念家人, 至少我没有忧虑,当我躲在爸妈的羽翼下时. 我不会去思考人生活是为了什么因为我是开心的, 我是笑着的. 这时候我已脱下我穿的保护色. 每个人都戴着面具不是吗? 大多数的人都很假不是吗? 辛苦. 哪天有人的心在滴血我们也看不见因为对方隐藏得很好,相同的,当自己伤心得要死,也会逞强穿上那层保护色. 所谓的强颜欢笑. 悲哀.

我从来都不觉得我生存是为了自己,我是为了家人和我爱的人而活. 哪天世界已不再有我生存的理由,我愿意结束在此刻,重新生活. 又或者我再也没有生活的机会与权力? 别人都说珍惜生命. 结束并不一定是去死, 而是由内心的死去. 心死了,那个人还是生活着的吗? 每天过着行尸走肉的生活,请问意义在哪里? 人要开心的活着, 有什么事情东西值得去开心? 是不是换个思想就能开心? 快乐,很容易却很难. 开心是一个人喝酒在狂欢? 很多未知数. 可能我的人生经验还很浅,少到可怜. 还在adolescence思想的阶段,难免对世界会有很灰的感觉. 我各人啦,不是别人.

又或许我是排行第2的关系,我从来都是一个人在角落. 不愿讲话,不愿打交道,只爱微笑. 我在拥抱着那被遗弃许久的小孩. 她还是以前的那个她. 静静的坐在角落,自己和自己玩,享受一个人的狂欢,放纵自己在孤独. 伤从不肯完全的愈合. =))

当心不再痛和心动,是不是心死了? 只是一个问题,我在探索. 当这世界笑了,我也合群的笑了. 可是心是不是在笑呢? 只有自己知道. 就够了. 小丑不也是掩饰伤心制造快乐给别人吗? 伟大. 我不怕死亡,我害怕的是伤了身边爱我和我爱的人. 从来都是先考虑别人的感受才留个时间给自己疗伤,这是自虐的行为吗? 曾有人告诉我说,他和我站得很靠近,可是觉得中间隔着一个大海. 是不是我孤立了自己? 因为自我保护意识很强吗? 我把灵魂锁起来了. 什么时候才能释放? 心里有个巨大的监牢. 想逃跑却没勇气. 这时刻只想狂奔回家. 奔跑是可以抒发心情的一种做法叻,至少对我有效.

人类本来就是寂寞的. 来的时候是一个人,走的时候也是一个人. 可怜到要死. 有些人不能忍受寂寞,因为他们害怕寂寞,因为害怕被遗忘. 可是一个人也可以是一种享受不是吗? 无拘无束.

你值得真正的快乐. 你应该脱下你穿的保护色.

Coagulation

Sorry that I keep posting negative issues on my blog..... I blog when I feel down, I blog when my heart feels uncomfortable. Smile can symbolizes alot of meanings. Smile, cuz I sad; smile, cuz I feel pain inside; smile, cuz I never wanted to be apart; smile, cuz I remember; smile, cuz I cherish. Bleeds isnt painful, but when heart dies, it is. Torturing physically isnt painful, but mentally, it is. Loving never meant owning. Leaving doesnt mean there is no more love. Words are not necessary. I hope the best for you.

今天, 静雯死了

R.E.J.E.C.T.E.D

REJECTED. A deep thought from it. Related of many issues of me. I never try to talk to anyone, as none can understand. Im a resistant client, perhaps? Family, health, friendship, studies etc...killing me softly. So near yet so far away. I wish for a breakaway, a runaway. Family can be a soft spot, a weakness; poor health can be a blockage; friends can be bitches; studies can be a murderer. A deep sorrow which I can't solve easily, a sadness which follow me wherever I go, a misery that haunt me right after I awake. I hate. I angry. I disappointed. I...wanna scream. At last, I learnt. I back off. I become silent. Peace. Everything around me goes silent. But I heard cracking sounds in my heart. I listened carefully. It's the cracking sound of my heart. Making me hard to breath.

I smile with a broken heart, my friend. Do you ever noticed?

I miss home. (=

Especially Dedicated For You

如果你和你的他/她分隔两地 请不要放手

哪怕你承受着很痛苦的思念 哪怕每天晚上都会睡不着

只要你坚持了 那么你将拥有别人没有的幸福

珍惜现在所拥有的 才是你应该做的事

他/她不希望等来的是空白

有些事情等失去了 再回头就已经没有了

当你发觉他/她是多么爱你 对你多重要的时候

再回头说对不起 就已经太晚了

不是每句对不起 都会换来没关系的

执子之手白头偕老

因为你们的等待是值得的

虽然远隔千山万水

但是他/她的心时时刻刻都放在你身上

虽然你们想对方的时候只能发条短信

虽然你不开心的时候他没能陪在你身边

但是不要埋怨他/她

难道他/她不想陪你吗

找一个喜欢你的人容易

但是找一个用心爱你的人难

距离就是考验感情的试卷

时间就是考试的题目

茫茫人海可以找到心爱的人

这是多么大的福气

想你就是一份简单的幸福

能等到你和你在一起

才是真正的幸福

Read these sentences which someone linked to me, it touched my heart indeed. Maybe because I come across this experience too? I should citate the ppl who wrote this ho? But then I don have the source, juz forget bout it ba, ppl. xD My cousin married yesterday but too bad that I cant attend her wedding. I always love to attend wedding dinner cuz it is so pleasant and feel so sweet. I love seeing loving couples get married and attached to each other. Such a beautiful thing right? Yeapz! Haha. Well well well~~ Handling a relationship is never an easy task to accomplish, need a long period of time and strength to manage it well. I know Im talking sth deadly theory, you all must be thinking who also know this lo, hahaha..... == Forget it, I din say that before. =x

Today is Wednesday and I've no class for every Wednesday. So I went for grocery shopping with my friends and really bought a huge amount of groceries. == I did a grocery list before I went to shop but then I forgot to bring it out. == Fish memory can stands for 7 seconds only, sorry ppl. xD But I din miss a thing. *teehee* Big claps for myself. =D I woke up at 130pm on my lovely Wednesday. But then I feel awkward that I cant get used of the free time I got. Why? Cuz last sem I went to school 6 days a week. 6 days a week, ppl! Means Saturday also got class. == French class. Haha. Hmph.....so I'm cracking my head what can I do for my free time. Then I went for grocery shopping as I mentioned above lo. But good thing is, I can prepare for my assignments on my nothing-to-do Wednesday. LOL!

What else to say? Hmph..... Currently Im still homesick-ing. >.<>

祝天下有情人终成眷属

I've never regret. (=

Homesick...... T.T

As you all can see from my big title above, Im having homesick. Again. Terribly. *sigh* My semester break was juz 2 weeks time, which I think it is SERIOUSLY not enough, man......how will enough jek? My lil sis's semester break also 3 weeks at least la. T.T Long piak-ing. Currently, Im back to my campus and sitting in front of my laptop posting this "article", in my room. What else to say? Juz blogging mood strikes me suddenly, Imma random person. ==

Right after separating with my family, I feel homesick terribly. I mean right after, yea it is. The moment I turn back from waving goodbye to my family at the airport, my tears was rolling in my eyes. It juz came suddenly, without any memo or notice. == I thought I will be okay, at least I was still, when we were having dinner together, before my departure. Dad and me even joke bout nth to homesick or cry of bout leaving, since it was not the first time. I strongly agreed and nod my head that time. But then why the feelings get stronger and deeper from semester to semester?

I really miss them alot, super duper much that kind. Previously talked with a best friend of mine about this issue, she asked me did I notice I've been dependent to my family too much. I said yes, I never deny it. Family is really playing an important role in my life. She asked me did I notice it's actually not a good thing. Yea, it is...... Im an adult now but still love to hide in mom's embrace sometimes, still love to hold hands with my dad. I miss his warm and big hands. T.T I feel love and care in it. Sorry that I said sth that hurt him when Im in secondary form, the rebellious me. How childish I was. Zzz.

It always need days or weeks for me to adapt the life without them beside me, after Im back to uni life. Its not easy, for me. For a daddy's girl like me. == Its so often that I miss them till tears accompany me to sleep at night. So few of my friends are facing this condition as me, they are much more independent than me perhaps? Or Im more sticky to my family than them? Both. ==

Assignments are given to us since the first day we went to class. Everything was so familiar, familiar things are coming back to me. Which I had started to deal with since I get into uni. Those stubborn yet troublesome assignments. Not to say mid terms, presentations and final. This is my 1st week going to classes in this semester but I've felt the tension in me. Maybe the homesick has became the underlying cause which makes me feel weaker? I dunno, but most probably it is. *sigh* Tension is created by human self, not to blame anyone or some non-living things, eg. the assignments those. So perhaps its me pressing myself too much. Perfectionism. A cruel and stubborn kind of behavior, towards myself. Someone said me headstrong like a cow. == Head is really strong de ma, how to turn it 360 degree jek? LOL. Being lame again. Juz entertaining myself under this miserable condition. Be empathy, ppl. ==

Really miss home so much, how le? End of Sept juz can meet my family, such a long time for me. I feel like years, seriously!! Can I go back meet them in between? Dirty tricks. >.<>

Recently feel so tired, what's wrong le? Hmph......new semester juz get started but I've exhausted mentally and physically. Cant be that way. Fighting!!! ^^ Goodnight, ppl.

I cant get used to it still. (=

只怪我太不会低头

Sitting on my bed with lights off, staring on the wall with broken heart

To be honest, I dunno how long can I stand

Head is heavy and dizzy, heart is tiring and bleeding

Body is in high temperature yet I feel my heart is turning cold

Till I shivered and hide in my blanket

The feel is juz like having fever when I was young, thirst for the hug from my parents

Tears at both cheeks symbolized how much I miss...

"Mama, outside here isn't fun. I wanna go home.".