Woke up early to attend classes and a Relaxation Workshop today, hope to get a piece of peaceful mind..... It was relaxing but then I juz cant get myself relaxed, I feel my body is so tensed up......for some invisible burden. Not the invisible spirits kinda things in Shutter of cuz, but juz tension. LOL! Therapist said there's a child in our hearts and asked us to talk to him/her. I closed my eyes and try to imagine that is it the child is still inside me......and I found her. The one that left behind and tend to live in her own world. She's lonely but she seemed to have get used to it. I felt heart pain and sorry for her, for neglected her feelings all this while. The long lost ME. I love her. I said sorry to her, I asked for forgiveness. I thanked her for always be there for me. I found that since the day I was born till the moment sitting here typing this, I never open up my heart to anyone. How pathetic is that? Humans are juz so damn pathetic. =) Recently always got those existential thoughts. xD Maybe I'm overprotective to myself.
Believe it or not, humans are selfish. No matter how close you with that person is, you won't be the one who get in his/her mind at the first place, cuz humans always treat themselves better than anyone. When I first discovered this fact few years back, I couldn't accept it cuz I always think that this world is beautiful and kind. But as time goes by, I learnt and I'm numb of those shit. I cant feel much emotions in me when others treat sth so seriously. Maybe.....cuz I'm not surprise, as it is human's nature?? =) Like it or not, this world is always too much of restriction. Till now, I don't have the guts to against those rules that bear on me. Kinda coward right? Aiks....useless.
Every time meet some cruel things outside here, home is always the place that I wanna hide myself in. So I always think that family is the one who treat me the best. Maybe some may feel sad and disappointed of what I said here, but I would rather die if there's no family waiting for me there. There's none couldn't survive without who, juz depends on what is your choice. To be continuously fallen behind or stand by your own feet. For me, I believe I can survive pretty well without anyone with me, but without the Kongs', I would choose to be fallen behind and to be rotten up. Eventually end up dying. =D Don't argue or re-correct my thinking, juz lemme be. =)
I always got too much of principles and rules in me, sometimes it is indeed tiring and heavy. I have boundaries, I have privacy. Inside living a rebellious me. I never wanted someone to tell me what I should do, what I shouldn't. If you're the person, perhaps you should reconsider whether you can stand of my stubborn attitude or not. Cuz I can make your life miserable. Not revenge or what of cuz, haha....... But then I'm who I am. Unless you yourself are great enough to earn my will. Maybe Im self-centered? I juz love to be the ori me. I never thought of changing myself cuz of someone, you either take it or leave it. As simple as that. *teehee* But some said you should change to a better you for the one you love. What if I'm happy and comfortable with the current me? Sickening. Tao tia. >.<>
Even the process is killing and tiring, but I believe if there's a will, there's a way. All depends on your determination and thinking. But gotta be really strong mentally of cuz. Sometimes I blame myself for being too rational and hurt others beside me. As I said, I cant get myself relax and tensed up. Im too tight up for all of the regulations and principles. I carry sin together with me. Maybe Im someone who's hard to get along well with? I appreciate people who show care and love to me all this awhile, thousand thanks to them. As a return, I love and care of them more than towards anyone too. To save them from misery of getting hurt from me, I will step back. Love me to a limit, don't love me to the max.
Reset, keep back my emotions and feelings in me. Buried the unforgettable love deep inside of me.
从来都是一个人 =D
