爸爸妈妈我爱你 ^^

今天想用华语写部落格. 我的华语不是很好, 如果写得不是很好的话, 你们看过就算啦. 哈哈. 最近听了一首华语歌, 我觉得很熟悉. 熟悉不在于它不是一首新歌, 是在于歌词清楚叙述某人对世界的看法与感觉. 也许那某人是我自己? =)) 华语歌其实我不是很常听可是最近都常重复同一首, 看我几时觉得对它厌烦吧,哈哈.

当生存是一个规则而不是选择时, 我们应该要开心还是无动于衷的过呢? 我想我是后者, 当我远离家人时. 笑,是我穿的保护色. 其实有意义吗叻? 生存不为什么而是为自己? 有没有问过人其实要不要生存? 没有. 原来人是没有选择的, 可以酱讲吗? 还是人是有选择的, 有勇气跨出那一步就可以掌握自己要怎么生活? 人生真无奈. 我想念家人, 至少我没有忧虑,当我躲在爸妈的羽翼下时. 我不会去思考人生活是为了什么因为我是开心的, 我是笑着的. 这时候我已脱下我穿的保护色. 每个人都戴着面具不是吗? 大多数的人都很假不是吗? 辛苦. 哪天有人的心在滴血我们也看不见因为对方隐藏得很好,相同的,当自己伤心得要死,也会逞强穿上那层保护色. 所谓的强颜欢笑. 悲哀.

我从来都不觉得我生存是为了自己,我是为了家人和我爱的人而活. 哪天世界已不再有我生存的理由,我愿意结束在此刻,重新生活. 又或者我再也没有生活的机会与权力? 别人都说珍惜生命. 结束并不一定是去死, 而是由内心的死去. 心死了,那个人还是生活着的吗? 每天过着行尸走肉的生活,请问意义在哪里? 人要开心的活着, 有什么事情东西值得去开心? 是不是换个思想就能开心? 快乐,很容易却很难. 开心是一个人喝酒在狂欢? 很多未知数. 可能我的人生经验还很浅,少到可怜. 还在adolescence思想的阶段,难免对世界会有很灰的感觉. 我各人啦,不是别人.

又或许我是排行第2的关系,我从来都是一个人在角落. 不愿讲话,不愿打交道,只爱微笑. 我在拥抱着那被遗弃许久的小孩. 她还是以前的那个她. 静静的坐在角落,自己和自己玩,享受一个人的狂欢,放纵自己在孤独. 伤从不肯完全的愈合. =))

当心不再痛和心动,是不是心死了? 只是一个问题,我在探索. 当这世界笑了,我也合群的笑了. 可是心是不是在笑呢? 只有自己知道. 就够了. 小丑不也是掩饰伤心制造快乐给别人吗? 伟大. 我不怕死亡,我害怕的是伤了身边爱我和我爱的人. 从来都是先考虑别人的感受才留个时间给自己疗伤,这是自虐的行为吗? 曾有人告诉我说,他和我站得很靠近,可是觉得中间隔着一个大海. 是不是我孤立了自己? 因为自我保护意识很强吗? 我把灵魂锁起来了. 什么时候才能释放? 心里有个巨大的监牢. 想逃跑却没勇气. 这时刻只想狂奔回家. 奔跑是可以抒发心情的一种做法叻,至少对我有效.

人类本来就是寂寞的. 来的时候是一个人,走的时候也是一个人. 可怜到要死. 有些人不能忍受寂寞,因为他们害怕寂寞,因为害怕被遗忘. 可是一个人也可以是一种享受不是吗? 无拘无束.

你值得真正的快乐. 你应该脱下你穿的保护色.

Coagulation

Sorry that I keep posting negative issues on my blog..... I blog when I feel down, I blog when my heart feels uncomfortable. Smile can symbolizes alot of meanings. Smile, cuz I sad; smile, cuz I feel pain inside; smile, cuz I never wanted to be apart; smile, cuz I remember; smile, cuz I cherish. Bleeds isnt painful, but when heart dies, it is. Torturing physically isnt painful, but mentally, it is. Loving never meant owning. Leaving doesnt mean there is no more love. Words are not necessary. I hope the best for you.

今天, 静雯死了

R.E.J.E.C.T.E.D

REJECTED. A deep thought from it. Related of many issues of me. I never try to talk to anyone, as none can understand. Im a resistant client, perhaps? Family, health, friendship, studies etc...killing me softly. So near yet so far away. I wish for a breakaway, a runaway. Family can be a soft spot, a weakness; poor health can be a blockage; friends can be bitches; studies can be a murderer. A deep sorrow which I can't solve easily, a sadness which follow me wherever I go, a misery that haunt me right after I awake. I hate. I angry. I disappointed. I...wanna scream. At last, I learnt. I back off. I become silent. Peace. Everything around me goes silent. But I heard cracking sounds in my heart. I listened carefully. It's the cracking sound of my heart. Making me hard to breath.

I smile with a broken heart, my friend. Do you ever noticed?

I miss home. (=

Especially Dedicated For You

如果你和你的他/她分隔两地 请不要放手

哪怕你承受着很痛苦的思念 哪怕每天晚上都会睡不着

只要你坚持了 那么你将拥有别人没有的幸福

珍惜现在所拥有的 才是你应该做的事

他/她不希望等来的是空白

有些事情等失去了 再回头就已经没有了

当你发觉他/她是多么爱你 对你多重要的时候

再回头说对不起 就已经太晚了

不是每句对不起 都会换来没关系的

执子之手白头偕老

因为你们的等待是值得的

虽然远隔千山万水

但是他/她的心时时刻刻都放在你身上

虽然你们想对方的时候只能发条短信

虽然你不开心的时候他没能陪在你身边

但是不要埋怨他/她

难道他/她不想陪你吗

找一个喜欢你的人容易

但是找一个用心爱你的人难

距离就是考验感情的试卷

时间就是考试的题目

茫茫人海可以找到心爱的人

这是多么大的福气

想你就是一份简单的幸福

能等到你和你在一起

才是真正的幸福

Read these sentences which someone linked to me, it touched my heart indeed. Maybe because I come across this experience too? I should citate the ppl who wrote this ho? But then I don have the source, juz forget bout it ba, ppl. xD My cousin married yesterday but too bad that I cant attend her wedding. I always love to attend wedding dinner cuz it is so pleasant and feel so sweet. I love seeing loving couples get married and attached to each other. Such a beautiful thing right? Yeapz! Haha. Well well well~~ Handling a relationship is never an easy task to accomplish, need a long period of time and strength to manage it well. I know Im talking sth deadly theory, you all must be thinking who also know this lo, hahaha..... == Forget it, I din say that before. =x

Today is Wednesday and I've no class for every Wednesday. So I went for grocery shopping with my friends and really bought a huge amount of groceries. == I did a grocery list before I went to shop but then I forgot to bring it out. == Fish memory can stands for 7 seconds only, sorry ppl. xD But I din miss a thing. *teehee* Big claps for myself. =D I woke up at 130pm on my lovely Wednesday. But then I feel awkward that I cant get used of the free time I got. Why? Cuz last sem I went to school 6 days a week. 6 days a week, ppl! Means Saturday also got class. == French class. Haha. Hmph.....so I'm cracking my head what can I do for my free time. Then I went for grocery shopping as I mentioned above lo. But good thing is, I can prepare for my assignments on my nothing-to-do Wednesday. LOL!

What else to say? Hmph..... Currently Im still homesick-ing. >.<>

祝天下有情人终成眷属

I've never regret. (=

Homesick...... T.T

As you all can see from my big title above, Im having homesick. Again. Terribly. *sigh* My semester break was juz 2 weeks time, which I think it is SERIOUSLY not enough, man......how will enough jek? My lil sis's semester break also 3 weeks at least la. T.T Long piak-ing. Currently, Im back to my campus and sitting in front of my laptop posting this "article", in my room. What else to say? Juz blogging mood strikes me suddenly, Imma random person. ==

Right after separating with my family, I feel homesick terribly. I mean right after, yea it is. The moment I turn back from waving goodbye to my family at the airport, my tears was rolling in my eyes. It juz came suddenly, without any memo or notice. == I thought I will be okay, at least I was still, when we were having dinner together, before my departure. Dad and me even joke bout nth to homesick or cry of bout leaving, since it was not the first time. I strongly agreed and nod my head that time. But then why the feelings get stronger and deeper from semester to semester?

I really miss them alot, super duper much that kind. Previously talked with a best friend of mine about this issue, she asked me did I notice I've been dependent to my family too much. I said yes, I never deny it. Family is really playing an important role in my life. She asked me did I notice it's actually not a good thing. Yea, it is...... Im an adult now but still love to hide in mom's embrace sometimes, still love to hold hands with my dad. I miss his warm and big hands. T.T I feel love and care in it. Sorry that I said sth that hurt him when Im in secondary form, the rebellious me. How childish I was. Zzz.

It always need days or weeks for me to adapt the life without them beside me, after Im back to uni life. Its not easy, for me. For a daddy's girl like me. == Its so often that I miss them till tears accompany me to sleep at night. So few of my friends are facing this condition as me, they are much more independent than me perhaps? Or Im more sticky to my family than them? Both. ==

Assignments are given to us since the first day we went to class. Everything was so familiar, familiar things are coming back to me. Which I had started to deal with since I get into uni. Those stubborn yet troublesome assignments. Not to say mid terms, presentations and final. This is my 1st week going to classes in this semester but I've felt the tension in me. Maybe the homesick has became the underlying cause which makes me feel weaker? I dunno, but most probably it is. *sigh* Tension is created by human self, not to blame anyone or some non-living things, eg. the assignments those. So perhaps its me pressing myself too much. Perfectionism. A cruel and stubborn kind of behavior, towards myself. Someone said me headstrong like a cow. == Head is really strong de ma, how to turn it 360 degree jek? LOL. Being lame again. Juz entertaining myself under this miserable condition. Be empathy, ppl. ==

Really miss home so much, how le? End of Sept juz can meet my family, such a long time for me. I feel like years, seriously!! Can I go back meet them in between? Dirty tricks. >.<>

Recently feel so tired, what's wrong le? Hmph......new semester juz get started but I've exhausted mentally and physically. Cant be that way. Fighting!!! ^^ Goodnight, ppl.

I cant get used to it still. (=

只怪我太不会低头

Sitting on my bed with lights off, staring on the wall with broken heart

To be honest, I dunno how long can I stand

Head is heavy and dizzy, heart is tiring and bleeding

Body is in high temperature yet I feel my heart is turning cold

Till I shivered and hide in my blanket

The feel is juz like having fever when I was young, thirst for the hug from my parents

Tears at both cheeks symbolized how much I miss...

"Mama, outside here isn't fun. I wanna go home.".

R.E.S.E.T

Woke up early to attend classes and a Relaxation Workshop today, hope to get a piece of peaceful mind..... It was relaxing but then I juz cant get myself relaxed, I feel my body is so tensed up......for some invisible burden. Not the invisible spirits kinda things in Shutter of cuz, but juz tension. LOL! Therapist said there's a child in our hearts and asked us to talk to him/her. I closed my eyes and try to imagine that is it the child is still inside me......and I found her. The one that left behind and tend to live in her own world. She's lonely but she seemed to have get used to it. I felt heart pain and sorry for her, for neglected her feelings all this while. The long lost ME. I love her. I said sorry to her, I asked for forgiveness. I thanked her for always be there for me. I found that since the day I was born till the moment sitting here typing this, I never open up my heart to anyone. How pathetic is that? Humans are juz so damn pathetic. =) Recently always got those existential thoughts. xD Maybe I'm overprotective to myself.

Believe it or not, humans are selfish. No matter how close you with that person is, you won't be the one who get in his/her mind at the first place, cuz humans always treat themselves better than anyone. When I first discovered this fact few years back, I couldn't accept it cuz I always think that this world is beautiful and kind. But as time goes by, I learnt and I'm numb of those shit. I cant feel much emotions in me when others treat sth so seriously. Maybe.....cuz I'm not surprise, as it is human's nature?? =) Like it or not, this world is always too much of restriction. Till now, I don't have the guts to against those rules that bear on me. Kinda coward right? Aiks....useless.

Every time meet some cruel things outside here, home is always the place that I wanna hide myself in. So I always think that family is the one who treat me the best. Maybe some may feel sad and disappointed of what I said here, but I would rather die if there's no family waiting for me there. There's none couldn't survive without who, juz depends on what is your choice. To be continuously fallen behind or stand by your own feet. For me, I believe I can survive pretty well without anyone with me, but without the Kongs', I would choose to be fallen behind and to be rotten up. Eventually end up dying. =D Don't argue or re-correct my thinking, juz lemme be. =)

I always got too much of principles and rules in me, sometimes it is indeed tiring and heavy. I have boundaries, I have privacy. Inside living a rebellious me. I never wanted someone to tell me what I should do, what I shouldn't. If you're the person, perhaps you should reconsider whether you can stand of my stubborn attitude or not. Cuz I can make your life miserable. Not revenge or what of cuz, haha....... But then I'm who I am. Unless you yourself are great enough to earn my will. Maybe Im self-centered? I juz love to be the ori me. I never thought of changing myself cuz of someone, you either take it or leave it. As simple as that. *teehee* But some said you should change to a better you for the one you love. What if I'm happy and comfortable with the current me? Sickening. Tao tia. >.<>

Even the process is killing and tiring, but I believe if there's a will, there's a way. All depends on your determination and thinking. But gotta be really strong mentally of cuz. Sometimes I blame myself for being too rational and hurt others beside me. As I said, I cant get myself relax and tensed up. Im too tight up for all of the regulations and principles. I carry sin together with me. Maybe Im someone who's hard to get along well with? I appreciate people who show care and love to me all this awhile, thousand thanks to them. As a return, I love and care of them more than towards anyone too. To save them from misery of getting hurt from me, I will step back. Love me to a limit, don't love me to the max.

Reset, keep back my emotions and feelings in me. Buried the unforgettable love deep inside of me.

从来都是一个人 =D

Je suis Triste

Hey all, Im back!!! Finally. xD Sorry that I stop blogging for such a long long time, haha. Hmph.....firstly, wad am I gonna update le? Yeah......I've started my 2nd year in 2010 and it's totally different with my 1st year. It's much more work to do. I mean, really MUCH MORE work to do. Assignments and mid term-s all come together almost at the same time, which really stress me up. Actually Im kinda low mood today, haha. But why am i still laughing when I said Im down? Discrepancy here. But sometimes, not shedding a tear is much more pain than crying out loud. Thats my feeling now......perhaps. =) *wink* It's so good to cry in rain or shower, you know? At least, it won't let others to know you're actually crying. Today I went to see doc, cuz I ain't feeling well so I was absent for my French class. Owh~ French~ Je'taime!! xD

Distance and apart is sth........difficult and breathless. It is really not easy at all. All it needs is trust. Gotta be strong, once you've chosen to be apart from each other. There's no IF when you wish to turn back time. Time waits no man and it juz keep going. Cruel, aye? Yea, it is. I've chosen to leave my home sweet home, coming all way long to a place that I have no idea about. Is it sth stupid or brave? Haha.....depends on you guys la. Choosing Psychology at Utar, is my own choice. Still rmb that dad asked me whether I really decided to go to Utar, I replied him yes. Without thinking of any further. Now thinking it back, it's really kinda......impetuous? Well, Im headstrong. >.< Undeniably, till now I am.

There's so much thing suppressed at the bottom of my heart. I know its unhealthy, I know it may cause me to have psychological prob if I don find a way to express it out. But, Im not get used to talk my prob to someone. Hmph.....not good not good, ho? Haha. Luckily, Im able to disclose a lil in my own blog. *teehee* These two weeks are my critical week in this sem, excluding my final exam week la. Haha. Assignments, mid term-s, all in these 14 days. Killing......me........slowly and softly. Long piak-ing. But long piak wont help. How good if long piak can helps to finish my assignments and done my mid term-s. In my dream tonight maybe will come true. *teehee* It really need courage and strength to keep moving on, alone. For me. There's no mum and dad take care of my routine life here, but all by myself. I questioned myself, why am I still not get used of life here, although one year had passed? Haha.......and I laugh at myself. I know my health isn't good but I still keep on doin sth that hurt myself. What's the point? Life is ridiculous. Unknown. Im an adult but Im still a mummy's girl. I may seem independent and steady in front of others, but Im a child in my parents' eyes. Im forever a child when Im with them. At this moment, I really miss them. I console myself that Im seeing them soon. To let myself feel better. I miss the moment when dad holding my hands walking and I miss the time when I lay on my mum to watch tv.

Oh no!! I will never grow up if I continue to be like dis. But, who cares? As long as Im happy and my parents are okay with it. =p I love my family till Im willing to sacrifice myself for them. Thats wad I shud do, cuz parents also sacrifice for their children, right? Right. Hell yea. == I sound like Im a good girl but I rebel my parents too. When Im young la, of cuz. Who doesn't have teenage life wor, right? Right. xD Oh no......my mood is really down to hell. Till I cant find where is it. How? Torchlight-ing. I still cant find it. Where had my heart gone to? To nowhere. I hate distance. From now on. I never think that distance is such a big deal, when I was young. == As time goes by, I hate it more and more. Dislike. Shi ro.

Fighting for myself!!! =)

Thanks for cheering up my life, letting me to live my life happier and easier. Thanks to travel all way long juz for meeting me up. Thanks for standing by me since from the beginning. Your love to me is always powerful and strong. All the care and support from you I've received, and I will stand up on my own. Pushing myself. Encouraging myself. Loving myself. =)



If there is an IF. I. Choose to stay.